I Love You

I just finished reading a memoir titled,"Life's That Way," by Jim Beaver. It is a first hand, real time, account of a year in which his wife of 18+ years was diagnosed with (and subsequently taken by) cancer.

Definitely outside of my comfort zone as far as books go, for several reasons, though namely because it is non-fiction.

At any rate, I found the storytelling heart-wrenchingly beautiful, yet painful at times. Both my grandparents were taken by lung cancer as well. There were times where I had to put the book down and just let the tears fall. Whether overcome by my own grief or from the love story I was reading, who can say.

The element I enjoyed most about this book was the emotions he went through were sometimes exactly what I went through. While I do not know what it is to be in love, I do know what it is to lose someone you love. Yet nearly 3 years removed from my Grandmother's death, I found much comfort in reading Jim's account.

From the sudden diagnosis, to his wife's quick demise, to dealing with another death so close to hers...it was all too familiar. The biggest parallel for me was the way all hell broke loose so rapidly. His wife was diagnosed in October, and was gone by March. My Grandmother was diagnosed in October and gone by Thanksgiving of that same year.

Her death hit me like a Peterbilt. You see, my Grandfather had been diagnosed much earlier that year. There was time to gather information, to start treatment, time to wrap my mind around the idea that I might not have him around much longer. With my Grandmother's sudden diagnosis, there was no time. And me being 1,600 miles away from the people that practically raised me the first decade of my life, in their time of dying, was a hard pill to swallow.

Much like in Jim's memoir, my Grandmother's death hit me 10 times harder than my Grandfather's. (He lost his father 5 months after his wife, but felt that there were no words left unspoken between he and his father.) I felt like I never got the chance to say my goodbyes to my Grandmother, and that is what hurts the most. It still does.

In an effort not to turn into a blubbering mess in front of my computer, I don't want to make this about reliving my Grandparent's death. What I found cathartic about Jim's story is how forward he was about what he was feeling. The memoir is a series of emails he sent to friends and family for a year, keeping them abreast of the situation. There were emails that read exactly like thoughts I'd kept in my own personal journals. How can it be that someone I have never (nor will ever) meet feel the exact same thing that I was feeling?

I wish I were brave enough to be open with the people I hold most dear. I have tried this year to express how I feel, but I can do better. Life is too fragile, too short to be so selfish as to withhold love from the ones I love.

To those of you that I care for (and it's more people than I let on), you are important to me, no matter how infrequently we speak.

For someone who is a self-proclaimed misanthrope, I recommend this book to anyone who is looking for a reason to believe that people are still kind, nurturing, and self-less. Life's That Way by Jim Beaver. Definitely worth a read.

That's Just The Way It Is

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people." ~ V for Vendetta

My father told me how he and his buds were at The Biergarden, our local speak easy, and they got on the topic of college tuition. One person said the amount of debt the kids are in by the time they graduate is ridiculous, then reasoned that it was because of the high cost of tuition. (I can relate!) Other folks countered with, "That's just the way it is."

BULLSHIT

I absolutely hate that phrase. The cop out to end all cop outs; the mother of all excuses: That's just the way it is. What a horrible way to think. How many revolutions and movements have we seen, both around the world and in our own backyard, that have changed the way things were done? What about all the different types of legislation put into place because people were tired of not mattering?

So I, not so respectfully, disagree with That's just the way it is. For those of you who accept things the way they are, when there's obviously a problem, you are the reason that these same things keep happening.

We are the consumers, the constituents, the recipients. We are the cogs that make the wheels turn. Please, people, stop accepting That's just the way it is as an answer.

It is merely a deterrent.

There Can Be No Success Without Failure

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” - August Wilson

Lately, I've been spending lots of time working on me. It's good to be selfish sometimes, no? ;)

When I say working on me, I mean a total overhaul. What the mechanic originally thought was a transmission problem turned out to be an issue with the fuel rail. However, it appears that the fuel injection is working again because I'm feelin a bit more like my old self: firing on all cylinders.

But like any work in progress, there's always more to be done. Keep your eyes peeled, cause when I'm done under the hood, this baby's headed to the body shop.

P.S. Thanks to a "fat old [gearhead]" for that quote.

It's The Only One You've Got

How do you know where you're going
When you don't know where you've been
You hide the shame that you're not showing
And you won't let anyone in
A crowded street can be a quiet place
When you're walking alone
And now you think that you're the only
One who doesn't

Have to try
And you won't have to fail
If you're afraid to fly
Then I guess you never will

You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got

Memories have left you broken
And the scars have never healed
The emptiness in you is growing
But so little left to fill
You're scared to look back on the days before
You're too tired to move on
And now you think that you're the only one who doesn't

Have to try
And you won't have to fail
If you're afraid to fly
Then I guess you never will

What would it take
To get you to say that I'll try
And what would you say if
This was the last day of your life

You hide behind your walls
Of maybe nevers
Forgetting that there's something more
Than just knowing better
Your mistakes do not define you now
They tell you who you're not
You've got to live this life you're given
Like it's the only one you've got

~3 Doors Down

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." ~ Albert Einstein

I'm beginning to think I'm in love with Albert. There aren't very many posts on this blog yet, but he's found his way to a fair few.

But I digress...

So let's talk. Let's talk about that decision you've been trying to make, for...oh I don't know....15 years. Yes. That one.

The one we talk about each time we get together. Whether it be over dinner, over drinks, during bowling, or at family gatherings. Yes, that problem/dilemma/situation/inconvenience/issue that just doesn't seem to go away. You know, the one where your sister's boyfriend's uncle's niece said that thing which set you off and now you keep asking yourself if it's true.

Has my repetition become redundant because I'm repeating myself?

Rather annoying, wouldn't you agree? Please take note. We have been having the same conversation for YEARS. And THAT is not an overestimation. I'm not incredibly patient, and my patience grows thinner with each passing day.

And on that day, when I shout from the rooftops that I couldn't care less, know that you have been warned.

Disclaimer: If you take this personally, it's for one of two reasons: a) I'm talking about you or b) You think everything is about you.

30 Day Challenge

I'm borrowing this from my buddy Sheena.

I, too, like many others out there, have been stuck in a rut. I'm willing to try this out for a month, and see what turns up. Most importantly, I've got nothing to lose!

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There, of course, has been lots of criticism and challenges to the scientific validity of these experiments. However, that’s missing the greater point. We’re taught this principle in our churches, encouraged to partake of it in books like The Secret, and given notoriety from people like Oprah if we master it. Why? Because it’s truth. Because it works. There is power in what we say. What we speak comes back to us and transforms us, either for the better or the worst.

I want to be transformed.

I want to see change in myself and in the lives of others.

If you want to join me, you can join in with what I’m doing below.

1. Write out a list of things that are bothering or insecurities you are dealing with and leave a few spaces between each one.
2. After each worry or insecurity, write a statement that dictates what is God’s truth, what you want to see come to pass, or what you know is supposed to be happening. Make it as specific as you can to the insecurity so that you have a truth to believe instead.
   *If you can’t think of a scripture, write down something positive. You do not have to be perfect!**If you're not a Christian, don't let this turn you away. Please still participate! We all need more positivity and encouragement in our lives.
3. Make a commitment to DAILY (even if you skip your morning devotional or work out time, even if you’re late for work and have to do it during your lunch break in the bathroom, or even if you have completely forgotten and have to do it in the car on your way home to work) find a mirror, look yourself in the eyes, and say those truths over yourself. Do not read them. Do not whisper them. Say them clearly to yourself even if you don't believe it.
4. Do this for 30 days.
5. Come back and tell me how you feel. I will do the same for you.

Forward Progress

"In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher. We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves. Where ignorance is our master, there is no possibility of real peace. Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive." ~ His Holiness The Dalai Lama

For those of us who are still searching for that balance, or suffering through the new fangled "quarter life crisis," pay special attention to the second sentence in that quote.

We need to get over ourselves, stop trying to keep up with the Joneses, and let go of Facebook envy.

I'm talking to myself, to my close friends, to my family, to any and every one.

"We live in the 21st century, where literally anything is possible. To be pessimistic in a field of infinite potential is irresponsible." ~ Brent Hunter